...kasih tercipta..

Alhamdulillah! After almost 12 hours struggling and pushing, I'm here to annouce the arrival of our son, Mohamad Rahimie Bin Mohamad Zaki. With 23 stiches, I survived the ordeal! Thank you for the wishes, the smses and the support from all of you. It helps me to heal and manage the trauma.

THANK YOU!

p/s: Ceriteranya lepas nih la yek..

..this time around..

so in love with her

This time around, I am 38 weeks pregnant. What do I think about this pregnancy? There’s no word to describe my feelings. There’s no word to describe what I think. What I know is I am going to face whatever happens. I’m not complaining neither is I being ungrateful. But this pregnancy is the real test from Allah, which I have to face.

Throughout the first 5 months, the nausea that I felt is really the obnoxious one. It doesn’t show any mercy to a human being like me. It is just attacking without a break, or without a sympathy shown. So what am I to do? Rather to face and handle the matter bravely. Well there’s no one to help me. Even Kie is helpless to help.

Speaking about him. Hmmm..That was also a test. But as an adult and a future ummi to 2 wonderful children, I have to handle that matter wisely without incurring any complication, mentally corruption as well as any dissatisfying to out each other. I prayed that everything went smoothly. And how I prayed!

Being an adult, you have the advantage of being rational and mature about this whole thing. And being the only one that being rational and matured, I have no choice but to handle the situation as calm and in order as possible. Do not involve in stupid argument with Kie and leave your stressful work at your house doorstep!

the peruts of mine at this period

As I don’t cook anymore, there are financial issue occurs! And like I said, I have to be the mature and wise one. There are Izzah and newborn baby to think of. And there’s food to put on the table. But Alhamdulillah, I did manage to handle those matters without slashing tongue with Kie nor having to pull long face with each other.

Honestly, it is quite tiring to be the person to think! To be the only person who thinks! And sometimes, I do feel like screaming my heart out! Unleashed the burden I have to carry all this time! But as I prayed, praying so hard. Crying my heart out. And then I felt okay and everything will be alright. He doesn’t leave me after all this year. Just stretch your hand and pray.

At these 38 weeks, I have just realized. Things happen for reasons. Hundreds of them. Even sometimes, there are thousand of them. I just have to lay back and absorb. Breathe and exhale. That’s it. There’s no need to be emotional about what has happen. Just relaxed and lay back. Think the matter what matter you the most. Like Izzah for example. No matter what happen, she will always be there for me. To make me laugh and biting my lips to all her crankiness, joke, wailing, tantrums and gestures. And there will be a new member of the family. I am blessed. Seriously I am.

Alhamdulillah.

..dia sakit lagi..

when she was 4 mos old

Dia sakit lagi!

Having the same symptoms when she was warded the other day. Thank God I came early yesterday. Because I had my tummy check up with the clinic, thus Kie fetched me later. But it all started when we reached home. Izzah started to cry before she vomited. She vomits to the extend my clothes were soaked with her vomiting. At first I thought she was having that regular vomiting and later she will be alrite. But I was mistaken.

She just can’t stop vomiting and crying altogether. And I just can’t stop worrying. In my head I was imagine the image of the ER at the hospital. Today is the holiday for Pahang state. Meaning that, Kie has to take turn sit with his brother at the hospital. And for Izzah’s condition, I’m afraid the whole routine before warded will take place. I am in no condition to have that energy to go that ordeal again.

We took her to the clinic. The only clinic we trust so far. The doctor diagnosed her symptoms as food poisoning. (Izzah has new nanny now. Since my MIL, has to take care of her son.) At the clinic, I asked the doctor to give something to ease her vomiting and to comfort her stomach. He gave something real effective, but has to given through her butt. Just imagine the screeching of sound and crying that came out from Izzah’s mouth. (I don’t have the heart to see her in that condition actually. But things has to be done, before it gone worse.)

Luckily, Kie exchange places with his elder brother. So if anything happen, I am not that scared.

..ramadhan ini..

Hari nih dah start aku pasang langsir ngan kemas umah. Kalau aku yang tak buat, saper lagik nak buatkan? Hehehe Tapi yang pastinya, langsir umah aku tak la macam setengah-setengah rumah yang semestinya design yang da bomb dan baru.

Aku pakai jer langsir masa aku kahwin. The only curtain yang baru, untuk kitchen dan bilik air bawah. Yerlah nak cover sikit bilik air tuh. Matching la kat bawah tuh ngan warna feveret aku; maroon. Then when I visited one of the shops here, I came across this material that I love so much. Takder lah grand sangat. But being me, aku suka corak yang simple dan tak berserabut.

with opah, nenek, kak athirah, abg aiman & abg arif

So last 2 weeks of fasting, aku balik Ipoh, since aku tak tahu whether aku dapat balik Ipoh or not this coming raya. Aku bawa balik la material tuh, thinking that it can be the curtain for 3 rooms kat atas. Hanya untuk pintu bilik jer. Others just guna langsir yang ada. So berbalik pada soal material yang aku beli tuh, aku bawa balik Ipoh. Minta tolong ngan mak untuk jahitkan.

Mak tak sempat nak jahitkan on the spot, since aku akan balik that Sunday to Pahang. So last week, mak posted the curtain back to me. Together with sarung tilam Izzah and kuah kacang. Mak la kan. Always know what their daughter thinking. Sbb aku mmg nak suh mak postkan kuah kacang instant tuh sekali. The best instant kuah kacang I’ve ever tasted! Hehehe

Masa pasang langsir kat bawah tadi, Izzah la orang paling sibuk sekali. Kie cakap “awak jakun ker tak pernah tengok langsir ke??” HEhehehhh… memangla kan.. Aku tak pernah pasang langsir kat bawah tuh. Cuma pasang heading jer. Tapi not fully with 2nd layered. Izzah was playing with the curtains. Mulut jangan cakap la. Cam mulut murai. Kie cakap ikut aku..Iyer ker..?? heheh I guess I am a bit the murai. Hahahahahahah

So this raya should be awesome, not because of the curtains. But Izzah dah pandai nak beraya. Tapi yang failnya masa aku trykan baju kurung tuh, she end up crying. Salah aku ker, sbb memboyishkan anak aku. Bukan aku tak suka pakaikan dia girlish. Tapi aku suka yang ringkas dan tak serabut mata memandang. Mata aku la kan. So I end up buying shorts, shirts, slacks, denim for her.

Tapi ada juga yang tak best raya ini. Aku tak tahu lagi whether aku balik Ipoh atau tidak because of my condition! A bit the crappie this time. Masa preggykan Izzah, 7 months onwards adalah masa untuk aku maju dengan jayanya. I can walk happily! I can go wherever I want, without have to complain anything. La nih? Feh! Nak gi Pasar Ramadhan pun aku tak leh nak breath. And suddenly feeling like to faint and vice versa. Ramadhan kali ini, mmg mencabar minda dan fizikal aku. Terlampau byk dugaan. Tapi sebagai hambaNya, I have to accept this ngan redhanya. Things happen for a reason. So perhaps, aku leh bersalin ngan jayanya! Or maybe perhaps, there’s no superstition crap yang perlu aku hadapi. It’s only perhaps. But who knows kan? heheheh

izzah the next day, when we were lepaking at white coffee kopitiam (kreko kan anak aku nih??)

Look-alike Meter

Aku tengok entry dalam blog zz.. so cam menarik jer nak buat..hehhe so here it is..
Yang paling penting, ia mengenepikan telahan orang yang mengatakan Izzah nothing alike me n kie.. This is the proof bebeh.. Izzah anak aku ngan kie.. muahahahaha

...tiga malam tanpa bintang...

tiga malam tanpa bintang..bintang yang bersinar...bintang yang menyinari hidup kami...

tiga malam tanpa bintang... bintang yang selalu mengubat luka lara.. bintang yang selalu menghiburkan kami...

tiga malam tanpa bintang...bintang yang memberi sinar kepada kami... bintang yang mengubat penat dan lesu...

wajah yang terbaring lesu di atas katil...di selimuti dengan kesejukan dan kedinginan.. hati aku tersentuh melihat keadaannya... tersentuh dan terasa akan kehilangannya... kehilangan senyuman manja...kehilangan keletah nakal dan sentiasa mencuit hati... kehilangan punca nafas aku untuk hidup...hanya tinggal tangisan sakit dan terluka...
sesungguhnya aku hanya mampu merangkul dia dalam dakapanku... soothing and calming her with words that I know... rocking her to sleep... semua kepayahan dia..amat menusuk hati aku... kenapa perlu dia menghadapi semua ini...hanya kerana kealpaan pihak ketiga?

tapi yang paling melukakan aku the most is sikap acuh tak acuh pihak hospital... aku tak akan lupa akan pengalaman ini.. and whoever it is... just BEWARE..kerana aku tak akan berdiam diri di atas kebodohan dan sikap tidak sensitif kalian semua!

izzah sayang...

When you are ill,

our sun goes under a cloud.

Your presence in our lives

is such a bright joy

that everything seems in shadow

when you're not here.

When you aren't feeling well,

we feel the lackof your glowing energy

and contagious vitality.

When you are sick

we feel incomplete,

like a jigsaw puzzle

with a missing piece;

Please rest,

take good care of yourself,

and feel better.

We miss you

and want you back.

Get well soon.

...my precious is ONE...

Happy birthday, dearest one,

Sweet child of my heart!

We've become one family,

Of which you are a part.

And so I sing out equally

To all of those who are

Mine by blood or fortune blessed,

No more, no less my star!

We are one in love and joy,

In fondness and in worth,

And so as one we celebrate

This day, your day of birth!

yours truly..

ummi & abah

p/s: Happy birthday to you too, achik yein..my darling nyah..

...happy birthday to me...

aku dah 29! not a big deal. takkan semakin tahun..semakin muda laks.. age is no longer a concern to me. all i want for this birthday is to be with my precious Izzah and my family.. and i already have that..have i?

(3 mak dara pingitan)
pergi ke KL..membawa hati yang lara..semata-mata ingin menggembirakan hati yang gundah.. since he haven't wish me until 11.59am 1/7/2007. kul 12.00am dah 2/7 dah.. aku redha..jika ini ketentuannya...it's not a big deal.. since i already immune in this kind of situation...

(zz, walaupun anak kau terkepit..aku treasure our friendship)
tapi yang pasti aku gumbira tepuk tangan ramai-ramai..bila dapat berjumpa kawan-kawan yang amat aku rindui...amat aku kenangi..tq dear frens..for making my day.. walaupun dalam hectic..ramainya umat..susah nak parking..jiwa tgh kacau..you all still make my day... with that
I THANK YOU!

(zz, aku suka sgt hadiah nih..tq so much...terlampau convenient)

..::18 & such::..

huh.. topic 18 & such.. heheh tingat tempat lepak masa memuda dulu kat ravi..canai & such.. hehhe.. that was like ages ago.. miss that time so much..

biler nak refresh balik lagu2 yang aku suka during 1996..pergh.. everything coming back to my memory.. sebabnya.. 1996 till 1998 adalah saat kegemilangan aku hidup di dunia nih.. masa tuh masih belajar wat diploma kat Melaka.. zaman nih tgh happening lagu 60's tv from OAG.. OAG baru kuar dari underground region dan masuk buat album.. then kuar la byk2 lagu alternative dari local band.. yang pasti aku ngan Azni best fren aku, antara yg giler beli album lagu2 cenggini... sekali beli 3 kaset sekali gus.. masa tuh student.. mana nak mampu beli CD.. at that time cd mmg mahai nak mampus..

During that year la jugaks, Budin mamat grunge introduce me to No Doubts, Manowar, FTG, Cromok dan seangkatan dengannya.. sampai aku leh strumming guitar.. (tapi sekarang suh aku strumming alamatnya jari aku termasuk lubang laaaa.. hahahhaha) ....dan masa tuh aku mmg giler kat Oasis, Foo Fighters, Nirvana.. masa tuh jugak Metallica kuar album baru LOAD..yang mmg lari dari dari concept Metallica yang sebelumnya..

Bayangkanlah, masa prep hour..masing2 pakai walkman dalam kelas.. siap angguk2 tuh yang aku tak tahan tuh.. student pompuan yg giler angguk nih termasuklah azni, aku ngan aishah. aku mmg la mcm tuh since high school.. tapi azni more to minah alternative.. aku more to music huru hara.. a mix of metal, alternative, rock...semua masuk.. RAIHAN pun aku dengar tau.. sbb masa tuh RAIHAN pecah rekod..sold album half million.. aishah more to minah nirvana.. i like it, i'm not gonna trick. dan lagu nih la yg aku nyanyi kat izzah, gara2 dah kehabisan lagu nak nyanyi kat dia.. and guess what? she's loving it!

huhuhu.. dah berjanggut aku kena tag ngan zz.. sorry beb for the delay.. so i am trying real hard to finish this tag...

The SongsOk, the rules:
1. Go to Pop Culture Madness site.
2. Pick the year you turn 18 years old.
3. Get yourself nostalgic over the songs that year.
4. Write something about how those songs affected you.
5. Pass it on to five more friends.

So here we go..

1. Because you loved me - Celine Dion
Masa nih tgh mabuk bercinta ngan EX aku yang gonzalez tuh.. mmg bring back the
memories.. the hurts.. uiskk mmg aku tak leh nak cakap la.. sbbnya aku nih hopelessly
romantic person.. bayangkanlah..nak provekan cinta aku kat mamat nih.. every week aku
akan send card yg aku buat sendiri together with lyrics yang mmg cintan habis.. tapi at the end aku gaks yang tak berguna.. yang buruk..semuanya aku.. habis dip, aku balik Ipoh..aku clash ngan dia.. padan muka dia..

2. I believed I can fly - R. Kelly
Ini after tengok movie animation tuh.. yang Michael Jordan main dengan the Looney Tunes...tajuk dia aku dah lupa..aku mmg suka cartoon.. believe it or not.. ini juga lagu yang kita orang selalu dok bagi ker kengkawan..kakak angkat... adik angkat.. as a motivation especially kalau nak tempuh exam.. juga lagu feveret utk dinyanyikan di dalam bilik air. Duk kat hostel kan..so bilik air..sebelah2.. berlawan2 la...hahahhahahah rindunya akuuu..

3. Wonderwall - Oasis
Aku mmg dah cakap aku suka Oasis.. you've got to be the one that save me... and after all you're my wonderwall... ker salah lyric nih..hehehe..

4. Just A girl - No Doubt
Kenapa aku suka lagu nih..?? Like I said, it reminds me of the year full of memories.. uwaaa aku rindu... aku mmg rindu.. zaman itu... pasal apa aku suka lagu nih..??? well aku suka No Doubt, sebab cam girl power jerkan.. hehhe and i'm still a fan of No Doubt...

5. Change The World - Eric Clapton
Need I to say more?

Huh.. habis gaks..hehhe

Now, I am tagging..

1. Azie
2. Mai
3. Nor
4. Nurul
5. Asma

::..all the love in the world..::

I concluded something that miracly change my perception towards the life inside me. I was watching 3lbs at NTV7, (my favaurite series this days) her daughter has a mojor chronic fits that can be a fatal if she didn't receive an early treatment, which end up with surgery. Having the thought of open your brain out, really scared any alive human. Being the only daughter and child, the parents have no choice but to agreed with the surgeons.

But after the surgery, the mother do have worries. After her daughter awakes, she tend to have a lot of thoughts. One of them, she scared that the daughter might blaiming her for not being there for her and making the decision without comtemplating with her first.

Then one of the surgeon came to her and said that "your daughter has awake" All she can answer is, "i am scared of meeting her. scared what she might be thinking of me. scared that she might blaiming me for not being there for her"

But what the surgeon answer that captured my attention the most. YOUR DAUGHTER IS A BRAVE GIRL. AND THAT BRAVE HAVE TO COME THROUGH YOU FIRST, FOR THE FIRST NINE MONTHS IN YOUR TUMMY. And that does change her thoughts!

So moral of the story, I've been in a lot of mixed feelings about this pregnancy. Worries were one of them. That scariness, having to actually going to that ordeal again, does trigger the braveness in my heart. But at the same time, I am happy. But then, I am worried......again.. Worried, that I might not be able to give equal attention to the THREE of them and to me nevertheless. But later, I feel overly excited. That I might burst with excitement! And then, I feel insecure. Insecure about the how actually people around me felt about this pregnancy.. *sigh*

But later, it has been resolved. By a simple gesture and talk from my parents and family... They have been supportive and make me think that I can face whatever it is..I really can.. Seriously because I know I have all the love in the world....

::ada apa dengan APRIL::

huh tajuk ada apa dengan April.. tapi entry dalam bulan Mei.. heheh tak kisah la.. janji ada gaks entry untuk ini.. it's a special dedication to the things that happen in that month...

2 April

Birthday Mak yang ke 61. Sesungguhnya Mak adalah antara orang yang amat penting dalam hidup aku... hidup kami sekeluarga.. Dia merupakan tonggak penggerak dan nadi keluarga kami.. pada Mak kami mengadu hal... pada Mak kami kena bebel balik sebab hal yang dingadu adalah salah kami.. tapi Mak jugalah yang menjadi life saviour dalam hidup kami.. sesungguhnya aku amat bersyukur dan bertuah kerana Mak menjadi Mak aku.. I love you mother.. I love just the fact u alwez at my back when I need u the most.. Thank you for being there alwez.. for me.. for us..

My 2nd Anniversary.. Secara kebetulan tarikh nikah aku sama ngan birthday Mak.. but actually memang aku rancang untuk sama birthday ngan Mak.. supaya menjadikan tarikh tersebut lebih bermakna... Alhamdulillah.. segala onak duri dan dugaan yang melanda..telah selamat dilalui oleh kami berdua.. tambahan pula cinta terus bersemi dengan kehadiran Izzah yang amat disayangi.. Semoga ikatan ini lebih utuh dan kukuh..sehingga hayat dikandung badan..


izzah masa baru lahir

11 April
Izzah turn to 9 months.. Hadirnya Izzah selama 9 bulan ini, menguatkan lagi ikatan aku ngan Kie. Segala keletah dan kerenah menjadi senyuman dan penawar hidup kami.. no words can describe how much we love you baby.. you alwez be our baby no matter what.. no matter what may come.. kami sayang izzah....

14 April
Anniversary Mak ngan Abah yang ke 39! Happy Aniversary Mak & Abah.. Well dah wish sebenarnya..tapi saja jer nak sebut lagi semula since i'm doing this entry..Sebenarnya aku amat kagum dengan relationship abah dan mak.. aku hanya harap dapat menjadi another abah dan mak.. applying the secret of yours in my relationship with Kie.. semoga aku menjadi sekuat dan setabah Mak dan abah.. Aminnn...!

::one of the things that hurt me the most::

I was hurt! Deeply hurt!



memang tidak dinafikan.. byk benda-benda yang tidak dapat dielakkan.. seperti contoh my BIL is a retarded.. thus he will do something that unpredicted.. tapi benda-benda macam nih.. dapat dikawal oleh manusia yang berakal..seperti contoh jangan beria sangat bagi baby cam izzah dekat sangat dengan dia.. sebabnya perkara macam in the picca akan berlaku..

memang MIL gelabah giler, bila aku tanya pasal that scratch...explaination yang aku dapat baca bahawasanya dia takut aku marah...

aku tak marah.. seriously aku tak.. cuma aku kesal dan kecewa.. menyebabkan aku terluka dan terguris untuk kesekian kalinya...aku cuma minta tolong jaga izzah.. tapi bukan sahaja minta tolong.. aku bagi contribution to the house.. eg in money wise..as well as material..

tapi bila seorang manusia yang berakal tidak dapat mengawal manusia yang kurang sempurna akalnya, aku memang kecewa.. itu baru sikit. benda-benda lain yang terjadi, walaupun MIL tak cakap direct kat aku..tapi aku masih dapat info dari nieces Kie. so what's the different? sebabnya masa niece KIe cakap "achik, tadi izzah terlentang!?" aku dapat baca dari kerlingan mata aku, yang MIL aku tengah bagi isyarat kat niece Kie supaya tak cakap..

jangan salah kan aku, kalau aku lebih percaya pada baby sitter aku dari MIL aku sendiri.. benda-benda ini aku terpaksa simpan dalam hati dan mengawalnya dari menjadi amarah yang begitu hebat..kerana kalau aku tak kawal perasaan amarah tu, i tend to utter the worst and hurtful words that came accross my mind..thus it will only blacken the wound that has already been in my heart...

biler aku rasa aku nak marah sangat.. aku fikir pasal Kie dan Izzah.. aku tak mahu mengeruhkan keadaan kerana aku amat sayangkan DUA insan ini.. jadi aku hanya goes with the flows.. that i know it only get me depressed..

::a.z.d.r.a::

azdra...Antara Zaki Dan faRA.. itulah maksudnya.. people often to ask me..y azdra? apa maksud azdra.. bagi aku azdra adalah satu ikatan padu antara 2 insan yang telah berjanji untuk sehidup semati.. till death took us apart..

aku masih ingat lagi di awal perkenalan kami.. kesungguhan dia untuk mengenali diri aku.. membuatkan aku membuka pintu hati aku untuk dia, sedikit demi sedikit.. yang pasti aku terpesona dengan kesungguhan dan keikhlasan yang dia tunjukkan..

dan masih menjadi memori terindah yang seringkali aku ingat dan semat di dalam hati ini.. seringkali waktu itu menjadi landasan serta ingatan buat ku dari terus dibuai unsur-unsur serta dugaan yang cuba mencuit kedamaian perhubungan ini..

kini perhubungan ini telah mencapai DUA tahun.. sesungguhnya, aku amat mensyukuri nikmat dan rahmat yang dikurniakan dariNya untuk aku dan kie.. mensyukuri kebolehan untuk berkomunikasi..kebolehan untuk mencari kedamaian dan persefahaman... aku bersyukur..sungguh bersyukur...

cuma yang aku mahu sempena ulang tahun ini.. tiada lain.. hanya ini.. sedikit penghargaan dan perhatian kepada diri ku.. sepertimana aku memberinya tanpa sempadan dan berbelah bagi.. i give u my heart and soul... sesungguhnya aku hanya mengasihi diri mu seorang..tiada yang lain.. hanya diri mu...

Selamat ulang tahun my dearest kie....

::a special world::

A special world for you and me
A special bond one cannot see
It wraps us up in its cocoon
And holds us fiercely in its womb.

Its fingers spread like fine spun gold
Gently nestling us to the fold
Like silken thread it holds us fast
Bonds like this are meant to last.

And though at times a thread may break
A new one forms in its wake
To bind us closer and keep us strong
In a special world, where we belong.

..::aku memang rindu::..

last nite, aku pening tahap gaban.. i sees thing in TWO.. serba tak kena dibuatnya.. adakah kerana aku tak makan.. perhaps.. tapi memang aku dah gastrik seawal 6.30 pagi. aku tak tahu kenapa jadi mcm tuh. sebab aku memang makan. cuma lately aku tak ambil lunch. bukan untuk kurus. tapi untuk menjimatkan kos. sebabnya aku tak ada gaji untuk 2 bulan, since i just got transfered from KL. tukar jabatan, bermakna tukar tempat pembayaran gaji.

tapi yang bestnya bila aku pening, KIE take over kerja2 di rumah. which includer mandikan Izzah. bagus tul kalau pening nih. yang tak bagus, aku tak boleh nak bergerak. sebabnya setiap kali aku bergerak, pandangan ku terus bergegar. after struggling between consious and unconsious, aku berjaya gak melepasi tahap pening tu. walaupun aku masih loya lagi.

then untuk menghilangkan raya loya, aku makan mangga yg MIL belikan dari Kelantan. setiap kupasan memang menghiris hati aku. sebabnya aku teringat dan rindu akan keluarga di IPOH. teringat saat manis semasa makan mangga dengan mak, abah, yong, nyah, yang dan adik. mak la yang mengupas. *smile* kami la yang perabiskan *lol* bila sampai biji mangga tuh, kami sekeluarga akan berebut. *smile*

aku rindu saat itu. kalau aku banyak duit, akan ku balik sekarang jugak! kalau aku banyak duit, sekarang jugak aku balik. kalau aku banyak duit, akan ku beli mangga satu lori dan ramai2 kita kenduri makan mangga.

aku rindu. rindu sangat2. rindu saat kemanisan itu. aku rindu untuk berdekatan. aku rindu untuk ke situ. aku rindu akan aksi usik-mengusik sewaktu kita bersama. aku rindu the way we tease each other. aku rindu! aku rindu! aku rindu!

if only i can turn back time...mak, chik rindu sangat.....

can I be more this spastic??

ya Allah.. seriously I'm in huru hara mode. I dun know why I can be this unorganised. all i'm asking is just please leave me alone. only for a while. just just give me 1 hour, so that i can concentrate more on my work. so that i can finish up my endless work that seems not able to stop.

i've tried to reorganised back. the thing that i should do first, and tidy up according to its priority. but they seem not able to leave me alone. the huru hara mode seems to catch all the energy i've tried to save on the buziness schedule as a housewife n an ummi later. n all are building up, until i felt chocked and unable to breath!

all i'm saying is, i just need a peace to myself. so that i can breath and exhale. so that i can finish the thing i should do.. just 1 hour. i need 1 hour to reorganise..to reboot.. to see things more clearly....can i? or can't i?

..::a weekend without HIM::..

so the weekend goes kindda smooth for me n izzah. eventhough kie was away for a course, that weekend, it was alrite for us.

mula-mula ingat mcm nak balik rumah MIL. tapi fikir-fikir biarlah duduk di rumah sendiri. at least, it proves that i can stand on my own. be independent..rely on myself.. so me n izzah, duk lepak-lepak kat rumah, tengok TV...TV tengok kami.. hehehe

tetiba terdengar bunyi lagu snow patrol from my hp...it was my MIL. it was saturday, and she called asking whether we were ok or not.. i said ok.. kenapa laks tak ok kan? then dia tanya izzah nangis ke malam tadi..? i said tak.

kalau aku nak menjawab lebih, memang aku boleh jawab. tapi aku tak jawab. sebenarnya apa the real reason tanya aku camtuh? am i incapable jaga izzah n menguruskan rumahtangga, even kie is not around?

it bothers the hell out of me?? aku memang tak suka orang mempersoalkan kredibiliti dan my ability. i am CAPABLE k! see the leg laaaaaa..

bila kie takder, i thought i will be ok. but it is not ok. for me la. i was kind of lost. there were something missing... entah la.. susah nak describe.. i think i can't live without him... walaupun semua urusan rumahtangga, him, n izzah aku yang uruskan, pernah terdetik mengatakan kalau kie outstation, i should be ok. i dun like the feeling of needing something or somebody. it made me vulnerable..

people sometimes can be inconsiderate..

kadang-kadang macam terlampau sukar untuk berbuat baik dengan orang.
kadang-kadang macam malas sangat nak baik dengan orang.
kadang-kadang macam tak mahu nak berbaik-baik dengan orang.

sebab..

kadang-kadang manusia nih, memang tak patut di buat baik..
kadang-kadang manusia nih memang tak perlu untuk di cakap baik-baik..
kadang-kadang juga, manusia nih memang tak payah la di buat baik!

kenapa perlunya manusia yang macam nih?

izzah demam campak seminggu.. aku memang tak cukup tidur dan since dia tak nak dekat kie, jadi terpaksalah aku melayan izzah yang penuh dengan ragam. izzah jarang meragam. tapi bila sekali dia meragam, memang tak terlayan dibuatnya. serba tak kena dibuatnya..

then aku dapat tahu from my officemate about another officemate than has been complaining about me to HQ! all for naught! simply becoz SHE is too consuming about the mistake that SHE assume I made!! and after that, is being confirmed by HQ that there is not such thing as the mistake that she accused me to do!

what made me fiercely angry is, why the hell she has to do that? i didn't do nothing to deserve such treatment. i did everything in my power to make sure that i do my work and pleasing everyone. every single one i know! and why is that? coz' i have a theory in my head, that when i treat everyone equally and nicely, people will treat me the same!

but that isn't going to happen. is it?

..::first entry::..

this blog starts today. i think it is gud to hev a space for myself to let go my inner feelings. sometimes it is to difficult to explain.. to express myself.. to let my inner frustration goes.. and when it stuck inside you and can't let go, you just wanna scream..but you just can't.

sometimes you hev to ease whatever burden that tend to squeeze ur heart out...that tend to steal the air that u breathe...that tend to rip whatever goodness that u hev left.. so it starts today... till then...